Ibrahim Nkrumah, Jamia Ahmadiyya International Ghana
As humans, we are not perfect; we have flaws. Due to different environments and exposure, we have different opinions and mindsets. Hence, there cannot be perfect compatibility between married couples. Marriage is a union of two different people who come together due to shared values. In an ideal marriage, both husband and wife play their roles, help each other, enjoy the good times and endure the rough times together.
Some spouses are fortunate to have a good marriage; however, some marriages have problems which disrupt the health of the marriage and its success. Even though, outwardly, they may seem good, the partners keep growing apart. This may lead to divorce. Although divorce is halal in Islam, the Holy Prophetsa states:
أبغض الحلال الى الله الطلاق
“The most detestable of lawful things to Allah is divorce.” (Sunan Ibn Majah, Bab at-talaq, Hadith 3)
The issues in these marriages can be solved in order to have a good marriage life. So, it is essential that we understand some of these issues and know how to approach them to salvage our marriages.
On a spiritual level, the most potent solution for problems in the marriage is taqwa – righteousness. And constant prayer to God Almighty to guide the hearts of couples to the right path for a successful marriage. And these are the most important values for compatibility. However, on a relationship level, there are some things we need to do as humans to keep our marriage on its right course.
Childhood
This is an essential part of everyone’s life and has an effect on marriage. Wrongful exposure leads to the wrong mentality. A boy who grew up seeing his mum disregarded and disrespected in the home might disregard and disrespect his wife. A girl who sees her mother disrespect her father and publicise her father’s faults may grow to treat her husband similarly.
Certain flaws of parents may influence our marriage badly. So, if parents exhibited some unhealthy traits during marriage, then we must not adopt them. To dwell overly on some bad experiences and use them against our spouses may lead to unnecessary distrust and suspicion in our marriage.
Attention
This cannot be overemphasised. Spouses require attention from each other during marriage. Sometimes, due to our jobs, it becomes difficult to make time for our spouses; hence, we tend to disregard it. However, the constant neglect of attention has very detrimental effects on the marriage. Both parties should understand the situation. Busy spouses must find time for their spouses because when you truly care for something, you make time for it. The other spouses must also acknowledge the busy schedule of their spouses and not give unnecessary pressure for attention. This ensures the smooth running of the marriage.
Sometimes when spouses have children, they tend to focus more on the children, leaving little or no regard for their marital connections. There is no problem when both spouses allow it. However, when a spouse has more regard for marital connection, it becomes necessary to make time to rebuild the connection.
Communication
This is very crucial in a marriage. It is essential that spouses communicate with each other adequately. And the needs and expectations of one spouse must be communicated to the other. It is necessary to address a spouse with the utmost respect during communication. Lies and falsehoods should also be avoided, as this is not only sinful in God’s eyes but also critically affects the marriage.
Disagreements should be resolved adequately. Disagreement is not enmity, so spouses should not begin to resent each other. The husband should take counsel from his wife and consider her opinions as well in decision-making. Spouses must think about what benefits the marriage brings. And whatever final decision is made, both spouses must stand by it. This makes the spouses a stronger family unit. And this also has a good influence on child training.
Some spouses may be naturally very quiet and avoidant; hence, they may be unable to communicate well. The other spouses must understand this and adjust their communication with them appropriately; come forward or give some space appropriately.
Roles
In Islam, the husband is the provider for the family, while the wife is the nurturer of the home. In some marriages, the wives temporarily take care of the provision for the home due to unforeseen circumstances against the husband’s ability to provide. Although this is based upon the willingness of the wife, however, the husband must strive to make a living to take on his responsibility again. Similarly, in some marriages, the husband ensures the nurturing of the home due to dire circumstances against the wife. However, when things are normal, she should return to her responsibilities.
Hence, a man’s role is to provide financial safety and security. And a woman’s role is to support the man and nurture the home and nourish the family. Spouses may help each other appropriately.
Intimacy is also very crucial in marriage, as both spouses must be intentional towards intimacy. It should not be disregarded unnecessarily. A spouse may be more active than the other and they may have different desires, yet there should be a common ground in executing and improving this role of intimacy.
It is also necessary for spouses to create a balance in their lives by adjusting their worldly life and religious duties appropriately. As this also positively impacts the children.
Sacrifice
Sacrifice is a core component of marriage and until one is ready and willing to make sacrifices, especially outside of one’s roles, one is not ready for marriage yet. People have their own desires, dreams and aspirations. And they try to achieve their objectives in life. Self-worth is good and it’s necessary to strive for oneself. However, in marriages, it is not about one spouse alone and what he or she wants. When a spouse takes on a path or career, it must not affect the stability of the marriage and the well-being of the family. Sometimes there is the need to just postpone it to a more appropriate time and spouses must not act selfishly. Being selfish and inconsiderate undermines the well-being of the marriage. Every marriage has its own circumstances and spouses must be willing to compromise in order to make the marriage work.
Appreciations
Contentment is very necessary in marriage. Spouses must acknowledge favours in their marriage. And they should not compare the bounties of other marriages to theirs just to belittle their marriage, as this leads to unnecessary complaints. When people are not content, they become excessively desirous and desperate to take wrong paths just to achieve their desires. So, contentment enables one to understand that he is more favoured in his current situation than others and this enables him to endure the hard times. However, this does not mean that there is no room for progress. Rather, it is being appreciative of what you have and taking the right steps at the right time to achieve more.
Compliments are essential for marriage. Spouses deserve compliments from each other, especially wives. Spouses are garments for each other and hence, when your garment is adorned, then it is not out of place to give compliments. Unfortunately, some spouses don’t give compliments. Sometimes it is due to the failure of spouses to keep themselves adorned. These spouses may feel too comfortable with the marriage and neglect their maintenance, which keeps their marital connection fresh. This should be corrected. Because through compliments, spouses complement each other.
Generally, appreciation leaves a lasting impression on the marriage. Appreciation should be shown when a commendable deed is done. Sometimes spouses don’t acknowledge everyday deeds. You never know the worth of what you have until you lose it. So, spouses must show appreciation appropriately. Moreover, when a spouse does a good deed and is appreciated, they feel good. And this is very significant because spouses can then influence each other positively. When spouses get appreciated, a connection is created naturally. So, when they do something wrong and you admonish them, they feel obliged to pay heed.
Accountability
First of all, both spouses must be ready to accept the flaws and weaknesses of each other. Because where there is room for error, there is room for improvement.
A very important approach to accountability is introspection. Spouses must scrutinise themselves well and ponder and reflect on their speech, actions and inactions which affected the marriage. During reflection, spouses should not deflect and blame each other. However, they should only identify their wrongs sincerely.
It is wrong for one to deny, justify or minimise his wrong. Also, it is wrong to coerce the other spouse to accept his or her faults rather than being apologetic about them. They should apologise and make amends appropriately. And the other spouse should help the wrongdoer to amend his or her ways. Also, sometimes it is advisable not to demand an apology immediately when things are flared up, but later when things cool down.
Saying sorry is a form of apology. However, some people take advantage of this without reforming their wrong ways. The best form of apology is reformation. When a spouse commits a wrong, criticise the action and don’t humiliate the person. Also, we must not publicise the weaknesses of our partners or mock them for their weaknesses.
Self-control
This is essential in a marriage as both husband and wife need to control themselves regarding their relationship. Today, due to some corrupt Western ideologies and social media, the youth, especially, are swayed by having friends from the opposite sex.
Knowing someone and befriending someone are two different things. Co-workers, schoolmates, family associates and Jamaat members of the opposite sex are not friends because friendship involves affection and enjoying one’s company. Some marriages have faced issues with immorality because the spouses entertained the notion of having friends of the opposite sex and connecting with them. Even when a partner requests distancing from friends of the same gender who are a bad influence, then it should be considered and respected.
Setting boundaries for oneself is not a weakness but rather a strength. Because it requires strength for someone to realise his weaknesses and build a wall around himself to safeguard himself from stumbling. Hence, spouses should not entertain things that will lead to the disruption of the marriage.
People may have false opinions and think they can entertain befriending the opposite sex. They may not see the problem with ogling, shaking hands, flirting, hugging and sharing close spaces alone. However, this is sinful, absurd and ludicrous because it can easily lead to further immorality. Hence, Islam admonishes us to abstain from all the ways that lead to immorality.
Some spouses may also have bad habits they must control during the marriage. For instance, extravagance. Some people like to spend way above their capacity and budget and always try to justify it. Anger also affects people’s relations with their spouses and they must recognise when they are angry and take steps to prevent them from overreacting.
A proposition
This is for marriages which need to enhance connections between spouses. A mutually accepted routine should be set. Spouses should make time as feasible for both and decide on mutually interesting or competitive activities. If spouses have different interests, then they can do both interests one after the other. There should be no disagreements whatsoever and no interference, only positivity during the activity. For instance, 10 minutes of 3-4 days a week for playing card games while appreciating each other for the roles they play in the family or sharing interesting things they witnessed during the week.
Also, casual things like telling jokes, laughing and hugging enhance the marriage. Some spouses are just naturally funny and make others smile easily, whereas others are different. The most important thing is to use one’s strengths and capacities to light up the marriage.
Balancing some differences
Both men and women have emotions and operate on logic, but generally, women are more emotional than men, who are more logical. So, when things happen and women tend to be affected more emotionally, the men should understand and help navigate their emotions rightly. And the women should help themselves and ease the control of their emotions.
This also helps in approaching each other. When a wife approaches her husband directly and softly, giving regard to him, it gives her the best results. Because men are more straightforward and they enjoy status and position. Similarly, when a man approaches a woman with an attachment of emotions, it yields the best results.
Men, due to their standing, do not like to share vulnerabilities, so women should understand this and allow their husbands some space appropriately. Men should also try and open up about things to their wives to get the necessary emotional support from them. Women like to emotionally connect and open up to their husbands. So, the men should understand this and give them a listening ear when needed.
In conclusion, marriage requires the virtuousness of both parties. Hence, the Holy Prophetsa states:
تنكح المرأة لاربع لمالها و لحسبها و لجمالها و لدينها فاظفر بذات الدين تربت يداك
“A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her din. So, you should marry the one with din [otherwise] you will lose.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, Kitab an-nikah, Bab al-ikfa’u fi d-din, hadith 28)
Here, din refers to the entire way of life. The mindset and practices of the woman in terms of her religious duties and moral values. This also means the man seeking should also excel in the din, for only those who have concern for the din will choose din before anything else.
Learn from the experiences of long marriages. Love may increase and decrease, but virtues always remain in marriage. However, different marriages may have different dynamics, so whatever works best must be done accordingly.