Rizwan Khan, Missionary, USA
Painful menstruation is a common condition that husbands may not be able to understand. During this time, temporary frustrations can easily lead to conflicts that cause long-lasting hurt. Every couple has to navigate these monthly phases together. While a husband who thinks somewhat selfishly may dread this time of month, Islam teaches Muslims a higher ideal.
Temporary discomfort
The Holy Quran teaches consideration for wives by commanding that intercourse is forbidden during this period because of the discomfort it would cause, among other reasons. Allah Almighty says:
وَیَسۡـَٔلُوۡنَکَ عَنِ الۡمَحِیۡضِ قُلۡ ہُوَ اَذًی فَاعۡتَزِلُوا النِّسَآءَ فِی الۡمَحِیۡضِ
Hazrat Khalifatul Masih IV, Mirza Tahir Ahmadrh, translates this verse in this way:
“And they ask thee concerning menstruation. Say: ‘It is indisposition, so keep away from women during menstruation,’”1
The word اَذًی means an indisposition and temporary discomfort,2 or a “state of annoyance” and a thing that hurts.3
Painful menstruation is a common and often debilitating gynaecological condition that affects between 45% and 95% of menstruating women. Women with this condition have a significantly reduced quality of life, poorer mood and poorer sleep quality during menstruation.4
This condition is not an illness. It is a natural condition and a regular part of most women’s lives. A husband should not see it as something wrong with his wife. He should not blame her for her mood and poorer quality of life, nor should he try to fix her by being reactive during this period. A metaphor given by the Holy Prophetsa applies here:
“Treat women nicely, for a woman is created from a rib, and the most curved portion of the rib is its upper portion, so, if you should try to straighten it, it will break.”5
Kind treatment
A husband should also not see a state of menstruation as being so unclean that he avoids his wife. Hazrat Aishara relates:
“The Messengersa of Allah would recline in my lap when I was menstruating and recite the Quran.”6
Painful menstruation affects a wife’s ability to do daily tasks in the home. If a husband is unaware of it, he can become unsympathetic. A study published in the American Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology found, “Dysmenorrhea (painful menstruation) was the most common symptom, with a prevalence of 85%, followed by psychological complaints (77%), and tiredness (71%). During their menstrual period, 38% of all women reported not being able to perform all their regular daily activities.”7
During these days, a husband should contribute more towards daily household tasks. A combination of poor mood and failure to do daily tasks can create conflict on any day. During days of menstruation, these factors increase and conflict is more likely. The guidance of the Promised Messiahas is especially applicable here:
“I find it utterly shameful for a man to be in a state of conflict with a woman. God has made us men, and in reality, this is a completion of His favour upon us. The gratitude that we owe for this is to treat women with kindness and tenderness.”8
Since men do not have to go through these difficulties to have children, they should express gratitude by treating women kindly. It is precisely during this period that tenderness is needed most, and for a husband to fail to do so when his wife needs it most would be unsympathetic.
Avoiding discourteous behaviour
During menstruation, it is easy for frustrations between the couple to get out of hand. While this period is temporary, hurt feelings can have permanent effects. Islam expects the husband to show exceptional tolerance. This is indicated by the fact that, during this period, Islam teaches that he should not divorce his wife.
In Sahih Muslim, it is narrated that Hazrat Ibn Umarra divorced his wife while she was menstruating. When this was reported to the Holy Prophetsa, he commanded that he take her back and gave instructions on how divorce is to be done.9
Thus, a husband should generally not hold his wife accountable for her shortcomings during this period. If his wife does something that aggravates him so much that he decides to divorce her, he should hold his tongue. Explaining a verse of the Holy Quran which speaks about divorce, Hazrat Musleh-e-Maudra writes:
“Do not divorce in a state of anger. Instead, give divorce during a period of purity [outside of menstruation] in which no physical intimacy has taken place. This allows anger to subside and passion to reignite, fostering love – so that the matter of divorce does not arise at all.”10
Islam seeks to overlook the faults of the wife during this period. A husband is taught to withhold judgment and reassess after her menstruation when he is more physically and emotionally inclined to reconcile. The Promised Messiahas states, “With the exception of indecency, you ought to bear with patience all the other improprieties and discourteous behaviour of your wives.”11
Pleasure of love
Bearing with patience is the least Islam requires of us. A believer does not reluctantly do the minimum, rather, he willingly and happily does good. Islam teaches that a husband should especially show love to his wife during these days, even at the expense of his own desires.
Thus, the Holy Prophetsa continued to show physical intimacy even during menstruation, and would embrace his wife during such a time.12 This shows that his main purpose was not lust, but to show affection and comfort his wife. A man motivated by lust loses interest in intimacy during this period and becomes distant. However, the Holy Prophetsa continued to show intimacy.
This level of control shown by the Holy Prophetsa is not meant to be a sacrifice; it is meant to be a pleasure. The Holy Quran teaches that the highest good we can show to another is “giving like kindred.”13 This refers to the kind of treatment driven by natural affection, done without any thought of exchange or reciprocity.14
When a husband is intimate out of lust, he shows affection with a thought of receiving. Intimacy outside of menstruation always implies reciprocity. However, when a husband is intimate during menstruation, it is purely out of love because there is no thought of receiving.
In Islam, doing good is a pleasure in itself, and the most selfless good action brings the most refined pleasure. Giving brings more happiness than taking. Love and lust are both a part of life. In lust, there is more taking, but love is giving and has greater pleasure for those who can experience it. If a husband follows the example of the Holy Prophetsa, intimacy during menstruation can give more happiness.
A person who thinks selfishly may dread the time of month when his wife menstruates. However, a man who loves his wife can look forward to unique opportunities to express his love. These are monthly phases that every couple passes through, and Islam has taught that every part of life leads to happiness.
Endnotes
1. Surah al-Baqarah Ch. 2: V. 223
2. The Holy Quran – Arabic Text and English Translation, Translated by Hazrat Maulvi Sher Ali,, Surah al-Baqarah Ch. 2: V. 223, p. 36
3. Lane’s Lexicon, Root: اذى Entry: أَذَّى
4. What we know about primary dysmenorrhea today: a critical review, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26346058/
5. Sahih al-Bukhari, Kitab ahadith al-anbiya, Bab khalqi adama salawatullahi ‘alaihi wa dhurriyyatihi, Hadith 3331
6. Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-haid, Bab jawazi ghasl-il-haidi ra’sa zaujiha, Hadith 301
7. The impact of menstrual symptoms on everyday life: a survey among 42,879 women, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30885768/
8. Malfuzat [English], Vol. 2, p. 179
9. Sahih Muslim, Kitab at-Talaq
10. Tafsir-e-Saghir, Surah at-Talaq, Ch. 65: V. 2, p. 752
11. Malfuzat [English], Vol. 2, p. 178
12. Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-haid, Bab mubasharat-il-haidi fauq-al-izaar, Hadith 293b
13. Surah an-Nahl, Ch.16:V.91
14. Tafsir-e-Kabir, Surah an-Nahl 16:91, Vol. 6, p. 369