For many young people today, dating is viewed as the natural way to get to know a prospective spouse. Some Ahmadis may therefore wonder whether, because young Ahmadis study and work alongside non-Ahmadis, supervised opportunities should be created within the Jamaat for young men and women to meet and explore possible compatibility. They may regard this as preferable to unsupervised relationships outside the Jamaat and may ask whether the Jamaat’s guidance on purdah and its rishta nata system should be reconsidered. Suggestions might include supervised social gatherings, picnics or co-educational Ahmadiyya schools. Before adopting such proposals, however, we should examine the spiritual and practical assumptions behind them.
Affection, attraction and readiness for marriage
In many education systems, pupils complete secondary school in their late teens, when they may not yet be ready for marriage. Some pursue higher education; others need time to establish employment. If early social contact develops into a romantic relationship, the couple may remain emotionally involved for years without a clear route to marriage. An engagement can express a serious intention, but it does not make pre-marital intimacy lawful in Islam. Young people can also mistake attraction or desire for durable love. Feelings may change, and a relationship built primarily on physical attraction may not provide the spiritual, emotional and practical foundations required for marriage.
This is why vocabulary matters. The phrase “falling in love” can make every attraction sound natural, harmless and beyond moral scrutiny. Love is not itself sinful, but Islam requires desire to be governed rather than obeyed without limits. What is celebrated as love may at times be infatuation or lust, and following it can lead a person towards sin. The Quran frames worldly desire with balance:
“Beautified for men is the love of desired things – women and children, and stored-up heaps of gold and silver, and pastured horses and cattle and crops. That is the provision of the present life; but it is Allah with Whom is an excellent home.” (Surah Al-e-Imran, Ch.3: V.15)
The Arabic word hubb (حب) means love. The verse mentions desire for women, children, wealth, horses, cattle and crops. These are not all forbidden; many are blessings when sought and enjoyed within the limits established by Allah. The lesson is that loving something does not make it good for us in every form or circumstance. Even a lawful desire must be pursued in line with the teachings of Islam and the guidance of the Holy Prophet (sa). When desire is detached from those limits, it can become a path towards sin.
When Satan becomes the third
Islamic teaching therefore draws boundaries around private intimacy and seclusion before marriage. The Holy Prophet (sa) warned: “Behold! A man is not alone with a woman but the third of them is Satan.” (Jami at-Tirmidhi, Hadith 2165)
This hadith concerns khalwah – seclusion between a man and a woman who may lawfully marry one another. It does not imply that every necessary interaction between men and women is forbidden; Ahmadis may need to study or work together. It does warn against deliberately cultivating private, emotionally intimate relationships outside marriage. If a young man and woman sustain such a relationship for years, secrecy and unchecked desire can gradually weaken the boundaries they intended to maintain.
Even if classmates later marry, a permissive culture can create further difficulties. Former attachments can become subjects of gossip, comparison or mistrust. Old messages and private confidences may resurface, placing strain on later marriages. Marriage requires honesty, discretion and respect; communities should not cultivate settings that normalise emotional entanglements with several people before marriage.
Moving an interaction online does not automatically remove the risk. Private messages can create secrecy and emotional intimacy even when two people rarely meet. Necessary work or study interactions can instead be kept purposeful, courteous and professional. The same moral principles apply whether the other person is an Ahmadi or a non-Ahmadi.
The promises Ahmadis make
The second condition of bai‘at states:
“That he/she shall keep away from falsehood, fornication, adultery, trespasses of the eye, debauchery, dissipation, cruelty, dishonesty, mischief and rebellion; and will not permit himself/herself to be carried away by passions, however strong they might be.” (“Conditions of Initiation (Bai‘at)”, alislam.org, n.d.)
This promise does not mean that every feeling is chosen. It means that our conduct should not be governed by passion, however strong the feeling may be. A pre-marital relationship sustained by secrecy and unchecked desire risks allowing passion to direct decisions that should be guided by faith, responsibility and prayer.
The pledge of Khuddam includes the following words:
“I solemnly pledge that I shall always be ready to sacrifice my life, wealth, time and honour for the sake of my faith, country and nation. Likewise, I shall be ready to offer any sacrifice for guarding the institution of Khilafat-e-Ahmadiyya.” (“Honouring our Pledge: What, Where, When and Why?”, tariqmagazine.org, 2 November 2021)
Members of Lajna Imaillah similarly pledge:
“I affirm that I shall always be ready to sacrifice my life, property, time and children for the cause of faith and nation. I shall always adhere to truth and shall always be prepared to make every sacrifice for the perpetuation of the Ahmadiyya Khilafat, insha-Allah.” (“Our Pledge”, lajna.org.uk, n.d.)
These pledges call Ahmadis to place faith and duty above personal desire. A relationship driven by secrecy or unchecked passion can make sacrifice difficult because decisions begin to revolve around immediate emotional needs. What the Jamaat needs is spiritually mature men and women who can establish trusting homes, raise sincere generations and serve Islam. The guidance of purdah and the rishta nata system should be understood in this light: their purpose is not to deny affection but to help direct it towards dignified, serious and lasting marriage.
This does not mean that every proposal made through the Rishta Nata Department will succeed, or that young people should marry without meaningful consultation and informed consent. Compatibility matters. Families and office-bearers should listen respectfully, preserve confidentiality, avoid coercion and give both individuals space to make a free decision within Islamic boundaries.
So let us be precise. Not every experience described as “falling in love” is love, and love itself is not sin. The danger lies in allowing attraction to become a secret or unbounded relationship that draws us away from divine guidance. If Satan is allowed to become the third partner, the relationship cannot provide the secure foundation we seek. Love worthy of marriage is expressed through responsibility, patience, sacrifice and obedience to Allah.