Understanding parenthood: A guide to positive and effective parenting

Samar Hafeez, Consultant psychologist, India

Parenting is one of the most rewarding yet extremely challenging experiences of life. It is a complex process of fostering a child’s physical, cognitive, emotional, social and spiritual growth and development. Parents play an essential role in building a child’s personality in order to make him/her a functional and efficient unit of the society and nation at large.

Most of the time, parenting can be tricky and confusing. We might often find ourselves stuck in the loop of challenges and pressures. But not to worry, many of us have been through this phase. This article is an attempt to help parents facilitate and navigate this demanding process with clarity, confidence and efficiency.

Impact of different parenting styles

Parenting styles are distinctive patterns of parental attitudes, perceptions and behaviors around child rearing. When it comes to parenting the keys are balance and moderation. Parenting styles significantly shape a child’s personality development and family dynamics. Parenting varies across families. As we all know that culture, socio economic status, educational and personal beliefs influence parenting approaches and outcomes.

Below mentioned styles helps the reader know and understand their parenting style and its impact on child’s mental health, self-esteem, academic performance, social interactions and moral behaviors.

Authoritarian parenting style

In this style the parents are the ones to call shots. Parents engage in a 1-way communication mode wherein they impose strict deadlines and rules and expect their children to follow without any negotiation and/or flexibility.

There is no room for mutual understanding and conversations. Children are expected to meet the high standards without making mistakes or excuses. And the consequences of not achieving expectations are often punitive in nature, along with absence of positive feedback or responsiveness when a child performs well.

The children who are brought up using this style are well behaved due to the fear of repercussions but this obedience is out of fear rather than respect, hence may drive a child to rebel as he/she grows older.

Additionally, such children often struggle with feelings of sadness, shame, anger, anxiety, resentment, dissatisfaction, low levels of creativity, self-esteem and poor independent decision-making skills.

Some research shows that children whose parents use authoritarian mode of parenting have a higher risk of developing depression, aggressive behaviors and anxiety disorders.

Democratic or gentle parenting (authoritative style)

This style is characterised by encouraging and nurturing relationships between parents and children. Mutual respect, understanding and open communication is at the foundations of this style. Parents set realistic yet clear goals/expectations and these guidelines are reasoned and explained to the child to avoid impositions, unnecessary dominance, mistrust and resentment.

Moreover, while children get an opportunity to give their inputs while setting a goal, they are also alerted to the natural consequences and mutually agreed upon boundaries, thereby fostering a healthy sense of accountability/responsibility and discipline.

This style aids in validating the child’s feelings while also letting them know that parents are ultimately in charge. They believe investing time and energy is preventing behavioral problems before they start appearing.

With patience, timely efforts and positive reinforcement – this type of parenting style reaps best outcomes.

Children with authoritative parents usually display closeness with parents. They also show a good amount of responsibility, self-confidence and high degrees of self-esteem, along with a tendency to be respectful and conscious, and an ability to regulate and clearly express emotions.

They usually make the right independent decisions, perform well academically and interpersonally and are less likely to engage in impulsive behaviors such as misusing/abusing alcohol, drugs and nicotine.

Permissive parenting style 

Permissive parents typically offer warmth and open communication. They are undemanding of their children leading to very few inconsistent rules, boundaries and disciplinary actions. The expectations from the child are minimal and they encourage the child to explore and learn independently. They feel that children learn best with very little guidance and interference from parents.

Children who have experienced this type of parenting are generally happy and sociable but usually have difficulty with following rules and authority. These children make decisions about their bedtime, hygiene, homework, and screen time on computers and televisions.

Such extensive freedom can foster negative habits, as parents often have difficulty around limiting their child’s behaviours.

Furthermore, limited rules can add to the confusion around eating habits as well, leading to binging unhealthy foods and uncontrolled snacking which may cause health related issues like obesity in future.

They may also struggle with self-regulation, lack of patience, difficulty in delaying immediate gratification and impulse control and can get selfish, stubborn and demanding.

Uninvolved/neglectful parenting style

Uninvolved parenting offers little or no support and guidance to children. They are left to figure out the difficulties and challenges of life on their own.

Parents don’t set expectations and boundaries for the child’s gradual development which may lead to confusion. While they might fulfill the child’s basic need, they however remain detached and disengaged emotionally.

Sometimes the parents may even lack knowledge about child rearing or may believe that their child will do better without their guidance/instructions. It is important to understand that uninvolved parenting could also be due to parental mental health issues due to which a parent may not be able to fulfil the child’s emotional and physical needs.

As a result of lack of structure, guidance and involvement by parents; these children usually have the worst outcomes and are more likely to experience substance use, depression, diminished self-esteem, deviant peer affiliation/problem behaviors such as vandalism, theft, rape, assault, rule defiance, underage drinking and lower levels of emotional, interpersonal and cognitive ability.

Helicopter parenting

If you are overly fearful and overly protective of your child, then you might be a helicopter parent. Parents who follow this style constantly intervene in their child’s life and obsess over their failures and successes.

This style can intervene in a healthy development of integral personal skills such as self-esteem, confidence, resilience and assertiveness and may increase the child’s anxiety, fear and dependency.

Snowplow parenting

This parenting style describes parents who remove all obstacles from their child’s path so that they never face any difficulty in life. We all agree that we love our kids and we do not want them to face any struggle and discomfort, but that is exactly what helps them grow and expand their problem solving, decision making and creative capabilities.

Some challenges and discomfort are essential components that help kids have a growth mindset and build social, cognitive, emotional and interpersonal skills in the long run.

Lighthouse parenting style

An extended version of the authoritative parenting style. This style focuses on guiding children through challenges while providing necessary help.

Parents act as a constant, steady guiding light that helps a child experience the consequences of their own choices while providing consistent feedback and guidance in their journey towards self-discovery.

Parents are clear and consistent when disciplining the child. They explain and show by example the behaviour that they expect from them. which helps them build consistency, structure, and clarity.

The Lighthouse parenting style is a combination of authoritative and permissive parenting styles making it a well-balanced approach.

Advice of Hazrat Musleh-e-Maud^ra

Hazrat Musleh-e-Maud^ra gave extensive advice to parents on how to raise their children, on various occasions. One of these pieces of advice is the following:

“The parents, in good faith, think when their children see them obeying the rules of religion and hear them talking about religion, they will automatically learn, so there is no need to tell them anything. However, this idea is completely wrong, the result of which is that the children are deprived of acquiring religious knowledge. On the contrary, some parents doubt that their words have any effect on their children, so there is no need to tell them anything; they think their children will learn on their own.

“Both of these things should not happen and instead of such mistrust, there should be good faith. Moreover, rather than blind trust, there should be some cautious wariness. Thus, it should be realised that the children will not be able to learn by merely watching their parents or listening to their words, rather they also need to be instructed and advised.

“Moreover, we should also realise that whatever we tell the children, it will have an effect on them and they will accept it. We should pay special attention to these things.

“Apart from the above, there are two more things which cause a defect in the tarbiyat of children and that is that either too much kindness is shown or too much strictness.

“No matter what the children do, they are not exhorted. Even if they defame the sacred religious things, it is said that their hearts should not be dispirited for now – they will understand when they grow up.

“On the contrary, sometimes the children are treated so harshly that they begin to hate their parents. These two defects are such that owing to them, children are ruined. Neither should one be overly strict nor overly kind.”

Positive parenting strategies

Below are some suggestions of positive parenting strategies that can be adopted.

1. Spend more time with your child

Give your undivided attention and response to the child. Quality time with one another strengthens bond and communication. Simple activities like taking a walk after dinner, family prayer, mini vacations, playing games and reading together enhances a sense of belongingness and strong connections which further improves the child’s overall well-being.

2. Be consistent in your discipline

Setting limits and boundaries is a crucial step that helps children practice appropriate behaviours and self-control.

The limits that you set for them helps them realize your expectations. For instance, the limit set around television and types of programs that can be viewed, no teasing, no talking back, no hitting or name-calling allowed.

Whenever an inappropriate behaviour/gesture is noticed, the parent must be quick in giving a warning followed by a consequence such as loss of privileges like reduced play or television time.

3. Praise when they behave well

When a behaviour is rewarded, it is more likely to be repeated. Praise builds a child’s self-concept. Each behaviour when praised, reminds the child of your standards of expectations and facilitates the continuation of such behaviour. 

4. Boost your child’s self-esteem

Children build their self-esteem through interactive engagement with parents. Your actions and words affect their developing self-esteem more than anything else.

Belittling statements and by comparing the child unfairly with other children will give a severe blow to their self-worth. On the other hand, praising their small accomplishments and allowing them to do small tasks on their own will make them feel capable, confident and optimistic.

5. Communicate without imposing harsh judgement

Acknowledging a child’s thoughts, feelings and words is extremely important if we want to open an effective and sustainable communication channel. Kids want explanations and reasons behind undertaking a task or a pathway in order to develop their analytical thinking.

Explaining why they are doing what they are doing helps them evaluate different viewpoints and aid in making connections to understand the bigger picture for selecting the most productive and beneficial decision.

Reasoning with your kids in a nonjudgemental way can improve acceptability.

6. Be a good role model

Children learn more from what you are than what you teach. Learning in children happens through a process called Modelling (observational learning).

Parents’ way of life is a huge contributing factor to the child’s emotional and social learning process.  demonstrating values such as truthfulness, kindness, empathy, chivalry, honesty, selflessness, friendliness, respect, gratitude, cheerfulness, self-reliance, optimism will motivate the child to adopt and practice these attitudes and values without much effort.

7. If necessary be willing to adjust your parenting style to fit the child

Always consider the age and environment of the child and customize the style. Consider combining applicable elements from various approaches to acquire best results. For instance, use warmth from the authoritative and lighthouse style along with consistent rules and positive encouragement/reinforcement to facilitate holistic growth and development.

8. Foster a sense of independence

Let the child decide once in a while as to what he/she wants to eat or wear. Motivate children to keep their clothes and room tidy on a regular basis.

Furthermore, allow them to make decisions for their siblings on small matters. Toddlers should be encouraged to sleep alone, this habit instills autonomy, emotional independence and courage in them. This in accordance with the advice given by the Holy Prophet^sa:

“[…] and arrange their beds (to sleep) separately.” (Sunan Abi Dawud, Kitab as-salat, Hadith 495)

However, specifically regarding what age is best for this, it is highly dependent on the child’s readiness and cultural context.

9. Avoid harsh punishments

Parents should avoid hitting a child. Spanking, public humiliation and hitting causes a child to learn aggressive behaviours and such kids are more likely to be verbally and physically abusive towards other children in school. They fail to apply healthy conflict resolving skills.

10. Treat your child with respect

If you want a child to be respectful towards you, then you should reciprocate this feeling towards them too.

Children treat others as they are being treated at home/school, your relationship with the child reflects in her relationships with others. Acknowledge and respect his/her opinions, and speak to them kindly and politely. Listen to the child attentively when he/she is talking to you.

11. Last but not the least, accept your weaknesses as a parent and vow to convert them into strengths

We all are imperfect parents who are learning as we go. Identify your abilities such as your love and dedication and convert your weaknesses such as low mood, anxiety, anger or inconsistency of disciplinary practices into more productive strategies.

Make parenting a manageable job. Focus on the areas that need more attention rather than trying to address everything at the same time. And when burnt out, take some time for yourself.

Remember, self-care is not selfish. It means you care about your own well-being, which is another important value to model for your children.

Conclusion

When it comes to parenting, it is a no “one size fits all” situation. Have realistic expectations of yourself and the child.

When it comes to parenting, sometimes it is about trial and error. However, Democratic/Authoritative and its subtype Lighthouse parenting styles are likely to raise responsible, optimistic, confident, responsive, self-reliant, socially competent and happy children.

The most successful parents know when to adapt or change a style depending on the need or situation. At the end of the day, the best parenting style that suits your family should be used.