Valentine’s Day: A celebration of love?

Jazib Mehmood, Jamia Ahmadiyya International Ghana

If you’re reading this, you probably already know what Valentine’s Day is supposed to be. It’s a day of love, of showing affection to one’s partner or friends. It’s seen as a good way to shower your partner with affection and strengthen your relationship. On the face of it, there should be no objections to celebrating this harmless, if not downright adorable, holiday.

However, when you look a bit closer at the history of this holiday and what it’s turned into today, you begin to wonder why this day is celebrated. Far from wondering whether Muslims should celebrate it, the question rather turns to, “Why should anyone celebrate it?”

How February changed forever

Several myths surround this day, each more bizarre than the last. One thing’s for sure: none of them have anything to do with romance or love.

It’s said that a bishop named Valentine was executed on 14 February sometime in the third century. Some also say that two such people were executed on 14 February in different years. After the Romans accepted Christianity, their “martyrdom” was honoured with the celebration of St Valentine’s Day. It was merely a day of remembrance and looked nothing like what the day is today. (Chapman, A. A., Patrons and Patron Saints in Early Modern English Literature, 2013)

There are numerous legends which try to create a connection between this day and the theme of love or romance, but there is little or no concrete evidence that any of those legends or myths relate to the celebration of love on Valentine’s Day. Instead, the first known association between the theme of love and Valentine’s Day is said to be a work by Chaucer written in 1382, and some even prove that he was the “original mythmaker” of this day. (St. Valentine, Chaucer, and Spring in February, Speculum, Vol. 56, Issue 3, pp. 534–565)

Slowly, poetry about Valentine’s Day being a day of love emerged around the same time as Chaucer, with several writers, including Shakespeare, alluding to this day as a day of love and romance. (Hamlet, Act IV, Scene 5)

This also helped the day gain popularity in Britain and the rest of Europe as a day of love. Consequently, handmade paper cards became a staple of Valentine’s Day celebrations in the early modern era. Eventually, the tradition crept into our world today, cemented with the introduction of factory-made cards in the 19th century.

Commercialism

It wasn’t until the late 1800s that printing and paper production became more affordable and Valentine’s Day began to be commercialised. Hallmark was founded in 1911, and children began exchanging valentines at school. Today, brands such as Hallmark have become staples of Valentine’s Day; in fact, the term for a holiday which only exists for corporate reasons is called a “Hallmark Holiday”, and Valentine’s Day is said to be one of them.

Today, it’s no secret that this holiday is a huge moneymaker. Companies such as Hallmark, Hershey’s, and Tiffany have basically conditioned the public to show love by buying gifts they sell. Their pervasive marketing campaigns help explain why people feel bad or even unloved if their partners don’t shower them with gifts on this day.

Now, Valentine’s Day is not just for partners in a relationship any more; companies have expanded their consumer base to include even relations like grandsons and parents. The Atlantic puts it rather well:

“Valentine’s Day has long been an unwelcome prompt for many single people to reflect on their love life, but the celebration’s expansion beyond romantic love is a mercilessly equal-opportunity development. It takes the worst part of the holiday – the obligatory commercialism – and foists it upon everyone who cares about anyone.”

The advertising industry works hard to ensure that holidays such as Valentine’s Day are deeply ingrained cultural norms. These companies have made it so that the more one spends on the holiday for their loved one, the more they care, and vice versa. This makes this entire ordeal dangerously superficial and leads to extreme spending.

It goes without saying that Islam is not in favour of superficiality. Islam tells couples to avoid doublespeak and constantly reminds us that deeds are judged by their motives. (Surah Al-Ahzab Ch.33: V.70; Sahih Bukhari, Kitab bad’ al-wahi, Bab kayfa kaan bad’ul-wahi ila rasoolillahi sallallahu alayhi wasallam, Hadith 1)

But the ads and marketing campaigns work. In 2023, consumers in the US alone were expected to spend $25.9 billion on Valentine’s Day, up from $23.9 billion in 2022 and one of the highest spending years on record.

A toxic gift-giving culture

Shoppers may be spending all that money on heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and flowers, but research shows it’s not because they want to do it. They’re “celebrating” out of obligation, not devotion; many feel they have to give a gift to their partner.

Inversely, it makes sense that thinking about Valentine’s Day as some sort of special day reserved for showing love can also deprive a person of showing love and appreciation frequently. This is why many consider this holiday a detriment to relationships.

Of course, gift-giving is a good thing. It can be a way to express love in ways words can’t describe. Therefore, Islam naturally encourages gift-giving. The Holy Prophet^sa and his companions exchanged gifts, and the Holy Prophet^sa was even in the habit of giving gifts to the friends of Hazrat Khadija^ra, his first wife, years after she had passed away. (Sahih Bukhari, Kitab manaaqib al-Ansar, Bab tazweej al-Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam Khadijah wa fadliha radiyallahu anha, Hadith 3818)

Showing love to one’s spouse in Islam

One could talk endlessly about the love that defined the relationship between the Holy Prophet^sa and Hazrat Khadija^ra; Hazrat Khadija^ra, although much older than the Holy Prophet^sa, was utterly devoted to him. Huzoor^sa also loved her dearly as mentioned earlier, and her passing greatly grieved him. He once said, “Love for her runs in my blood and is nestled in my heart.”

Thus, it is clear that Islam does not frown upon showing love to one’s spouse; rather, instead of limiting it to one holiday, Muslims are always encouraged to be grateful for their partners. Popular culture has distorted our understanding of love, and unrealistic expectations have made it impossible for most people to be happy in their relationships.

It is the grace of Allah the Almighty that Islam has sufficiently guided us and explained what showing love towards one’s spouse looks like. Islam asks us to choose our partners not for their looks or for their wealth, but for their faith and fear of Allah. (Sahih Bukhari, Kitab an-nikah, Bab al-akfa’ fi ad-deen, Hadith 5090)

Hazrat Aisha^ra is perhaps one of the most famous examples in the life of the Holy Prophet^sa, as she was the recipient of great love from him. She was also very attached to Huzoor^sa. Their mutual affection meant that the atmosphere in their home was one of love and informality to an appropriate degree.

The reader will already be acquainted with the incidents of their love; they were an exemplary couple and one could say a lot about how they would show each other love.

Hazrat Safiyyah^ra was another wife of the Holy Prophet^sa. Early on, she had harboured negative feelings towards the Holy Prophet^sa since her father and husband were both killed in battle by the Muslims. However, she stated, “As I stood up after having my first meeting with the Prophet^sa, there was nobody more beloved to me than him. He was the most beloved and most dearly loved.”

At the end of the Holy Prophet’s life, Hazrat Safiyyah^ra was overcome with emotion upon seeing him ill. She cried, “O Prophet of Allah^sa, I pray that I get your illness and Allah cures you.” The sincerity of her prayer, borne out of love, was such that the Holy Prophet^sa himself testified to it.

Another wife of the Holy Prophet^sa was Hazrat Maimoonah^ra. She loved the Holy Prophet^sa so much that her final wish, fifty years after the Holy Prophet^sa had passed away, was to be buried at the spot where they had first met.

There are many such examples of love and affection. In short, the Holy Prophet’s^sa love and devotion for all his wives is an example for all husbands and their love and devotion for him is also an example for all wives. He would give them the utmost regard, and the relatives of his wives would wonder at the extent to which he was prepared to listen to his wives and show forbearance towards them. (Muhammad: The Perfect Man, p. 697)

The beautiful example of the Promised Messiah^as

The Promised Messiah^as was an ardent follower of the Holy Prophet^sa. Thus, he would also show great care and affection towards his wife, Syeda Nusrat Jahan Begum^ra, Hazrat Amma Jan. The Promised Messiah^as held her in high regard and showed her such honour and care that it was a topic of admiration among the women. Hazrat Mir Muhammad Ismail sahib^ra was the brother-in-law of the Promised Messiah^as and he described them as an “ideal” couple. (Professor Sayyeda Naseem Saeed, Sirat Hazrat Amma Jaan^ra, p. 112)

The Promised Messiah^as would show affection in tiny gestures as well. He knew she liked jasmine oil, so he would specially order it for her. (Hadrat Amman Jan: An Inspiration for Us All, p. 53)

Their mutual love was such that Hazrat Amma Jaan^ra once said to the Promised Messiah^as that she prayed that she return to Allah before him so that she wouldn’t have to bear the pain of his passing. The Promised Messiah^as replied, “I always pray that you remain alive after me and that I leave you in a peaceful state.” (Ibid., p. 51)

Whenever she would get sick, the Promised Messiah^as would tend to her with great care and attention. He would pray to Allah with such anguish that on multiple occasions, Allah reassured him of her health directly by revelation. (Sirat Hazrat Amma Jaan^ra, p. 116)

Once, Hazrat Amma Jaan^ra was feeling very unwell and the Promised Messiah^as was tending to her. In a state of anguish, Hazrat Amma Jaan^ra cried, “I am nearing the end of my life.” In a low tone, the Promised Messiah^as responded, “What will I do after you?” Such heartwarming words of reassurance were exchanged on many occasions. (Ibid., p. 117)

These beautiful examples of love are not uncharacteristic in Islam; the love and affection that exists between a husband and a wife is presented as a proof of Allah’s existence in the Holy Quran in these words:

وَمِنۡ اٰیٰتِہٖۤ اَنۡ خَلَقَ لَکُمۡ مِّنۡ اَنۡفُسِکُمۡ اَزۡوَاجًا لِّتَسۡکُنُوۡۤا اِلَیۡہَا وَجَعَلَ بَیۡنَکُمۡ مَّوَدَّۃً وَّرَحۡمَۃً اِنَّ فِیۡ ذٰلِکَ لَاٰیٰتٍ لِّقَوۡمٍ یَّتَفَکَّرُوۡنَ

“And [one] of His Signs [is this], that He has created wives for you from among yourselves that you may find peace of mind in them, and He has put love and tenderness between you. In that surely are Signs for a people who reflect.” (Surah ar-Rum, Ch.30: V.22)

This beautiful verse points to a great proof of Allah’s existence, for without the union of man and woman, the continuity of humanity would cease to exist. Therefore, the love that Allah has put in the hearts of a couple is by design.

Another example of true love

Another interesting example worth mentioning here is that of Hazrat Mirza Bashir-ud-Din Mahmood Ahmad, Khalifatul Masih II^ra and Hazrat Maryam^ra (Syeda Umme Tahir^ra). Hazrat Khalifatul Masih II^ra had married her since she was a young widow with no prospects, but their attachment was not very strong.

But when his first wife, Hazrat Syeda Amatul Hayy Sahiba^ra, passed away, it pained him immensely. Before her passing, she showed great concern for her young children. Huzoor^ra desperately wanted to console her, and when they got a moment of privacy, he said to her, “Amatul Hayy, why do you worry so much? If I live, I will look after your children and [insha’Allah] will not let any harm come their way.” (Meri Maryam, Anwar-ul-Ulum, Vol. 17, p. 351; Al Hakam, Issue 99, p. 7)

At this desperate time, he turned to Hazrat Syeda Umme Tahir^ra and asked her if she would take care of his children. Marvelling at her acceptance of this responsibility, Huzoor^ra writes:

“It was no ordinary thing for a 19-year-old girl to suddenly become a mother of three. However, she readily and enthusiastically took up the responsibility and helped me at a time when nobody in the world could. She relieved me of a promise I had made at a time when I saw no way of fulfilling it. (Al Hakam, Issue 100, p. 4)

Huzoor^ra was overcome by emotion at this immense gesture. He says:

“I cried and cried before God, praying that Allah developed love in my heart for her, which He heard. From that day onwards, I had great love for her. Any reservations I ever had were removed and she won my heart over.” (Ibid.)

After her passing, Hazrat Musleh-e-Maud’s love for her stirred him to pen a beautiful piece titled My Maryam, in which he outlined her qualities and shone a light on their mutual love.

They spent years together, and Huzoor^ra presents many instances where their mutual love shines. He loved her dearly, but whenever she would ask him who he loved the most, he always replied, “God Almighty’s instruction forbids me from answering this.” (Ibid.)

Limits of love in worldly relationships

What was this instruction? As a Muslim, one may not love anyone more than Allah the Almighty and His Prophet^sa, so Huzoor^ra was forced to give her no reply. The Holy Prophet^sa addressed his ummah and stated:

“None of you will have faith until he loves me more than his father, his children and all mankind.” (Sahih Bukhari, Kitab al-iman, Bab hubb al-Rasul sallallahu alayhi wa sallam min al-iman, Hadith 15)

The Holy Quran similarly states that no worldly relationship or material possession should be dearer to a Muslim than Allah and His Messenger, the Holy Prophet^sa. (Surah at-Taubah, Ch.9: V.24)

Muslims can certainly have friends, and the brotherhood of Islam that asks all people to live with love and harmony is sufficient in this regard. After all, the Holy Quran states that “all believers are brothers” and Allah even addresses Muslims and states that “He united your hearts in love.” (Surah Al-Hujarat Ch.49: V.11; Surah Aale Imran Ch.3: V.104)

But a man’s one true friend can only be Allah. Thus, true reliance can only be on Him. The following words of the Promised Messiah^as shed further light on the Islamic concept of true love which should be reserved for Allah alone:

“The fact is that when someone is in the utmost love with another, it is as if he has imbibed or assimilated the beloved and thereby he takes on the qualities and character of the beloved. The greater the love, the greater is the natural attraction to the qualities of the beloved, so much so that he becomes the mirror image of his beloved. This is the explanation why the one who loves God, obtains, to the best of his potential, the Light innate in the Being of God.” (The Light of the Holy Quran, p. 131)

This is why a Muslim’s greatest love must be Allah alone. The love he feels towards all his worldly relationships should be for the sake of Allah. This is why the Promised Messiah^as stated on oath multiple times, “I love everything for the sake of God Almighty, whether it is my wife, my children, or my friends. My relationship with everyone is for the sake of Allah Almighty.” (Malfuzat [English], Vol. 2, p. 184)

This is because the Holy Prophet^sa stated that anyone who loves his brother for the sake of Allah will find that Allah loves him simply because he loved his brother for His sake. (Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-birr wa al-silah wa al-adab, Bab fi fadl al-hubb fi Allah, Hadith 2567a)

Why must it be this way? Huzoor^as elaborates:

“Therefore, the fact to which my friends must not remain oblivious is that more often than not, a person becomes engrossed in the excessive and needless love of their families and wealth. It is often in the heat and intoxication of this very love that they indulge in such unlawful actions, which create a barrier between them and God Almighty; and the individual concerned is subjected to a hell.” (Malfuzat [English], Vol. 1, p. 107)

But after Hazrat Syeda Umme Tahir^ra passed away, Huzoor^ra, referencing the question she’d asked about who he loved the most, wrote:

“Today, if Allah brought her to this world and enabled her to see the rays of light constantly shimmering from my heart, extending to the Heavens in supplication for mercy and clinging on to God’s throne, she would know the answer to her question.” (Meri Maryam, Anwar-ul-Ulum, Vol. 17, p. 355; Al Hakam, Issue 100, pp. 4–5)

Praying to Allah the Almighty, he said:

“O my Lord! O my Lord! For a long period, I suppressed myself to fulfil Your command. Will You not keep my Maryam happy in the next world in return for this? O my Master! I beseech Your mercy and prostrate my being before You. Accept this supplication of mine and keep the flame [of love] between us alive forever and protect it from all calamities and misfortunes.” (Ibid.)

Now that is love.